Updated: Jun 4
Our very nature is love. The universe is love. Not the love that we tend to find in relationships, where we can be chained by attachments, but the very essence and nature of who we are. It is a love that is unexplainable, ineffable, eternal, unconditional, free and can only be felt, experienced, and is felt in a state of beingness, of non-doing, often felt in stillness. We are born into this love, as this love, and experience our world as love as a baby before we develop an identity, a ‘me,’ although the ‘id’ as Freud describes it, is fully functioning at birth, and is there to get our needs and pleasures met.
When we feel a loss of this love, we can often turn to someone or something else to fill this gap. For me, and I know for many others, food filled this gap, food became the source of love, but very practically for me it became a way to feel safe. At the age of 4 when I felt the loss of both my parents being away for a long time, I started to eat those foods that brought me comfort, love, and a feeling of being safe. My earliest memory is at the age of 5, being on a ship with my parents. I was sat on a bunk bed, eating chips when I heard that my Grandad had died. It became quite a significant first memory in that I associated a particular food with loss, reinforcing my earlier years, food became a way to not feel those painful feelings. I found I was able to numb myself with food, along with using food to feel safe.
I could rely on food, it wouldn’t leave me, and growing up in the Western world, food was always in plentiful supply, particularly foods with lots of sugar in. Gradually over the years food became my sat nav, how I navigated my life, how I saw my life, how I related to myself and the outside world. Before setting off for a journey I would be thinking of when and where I could eat, before going out to dinner with friends I would eat something in order to not feel as hungry when I got there, I would snack on foods making dinner, It was my first thought on waking and my last thought at night. It was as my own Mum said to me when I was very young ‘Food is your God’ and it was. That day she gave me the key to my own liberation, although it was years before I saw it myself. Thanks to dieting and all the control, I was never really overweight so from the outside I didn’t have a problem, but inside told a very different story.
When we have a disordered relationship with food there is usually a massive inner tension that the body feels when we use a substance such a food, to help to cover up what we really feel. The body always, keeps the score, and it is the deeply repressed feelings hidden away in the body, that we really need to feel to allow us to finally break free and escape the chains of our disordered relationship with food.
Towards your freedom.
With warm wishes,